The Lack of Life of George "the" Bastard

"Live" blogging the Spirits of AshEVILle Masquerade

2009-10-31T14:14:00.003-04:00

2:26 pm update

Live from the Haywood Park Hotel Ballroom, stealing internet from the Bier Garden, it's the Spirits of AshEVILle Live Blog! We're 6 hours away from the event. Dress and tech rehearsal was supposed to start 20 minutes ago, but less than half the performers are here so everything is off to the usual Asheville start. And now most of the performers who are here have gone to Bier Garden for a drink. I guess that compensates for me using their interweeb.

The setup of the place is pretty nice, Halloween Express have put decorations out and on the table, and the Urban Peasantry people are putting up panels. There's a full lighting panel, and a sound check has just started. Beer is yet to arrive, but that's probably a good idea, with us having six hours until showtime.

Hey blog, how have you been doing without me?

2009-10-30T15:38:00.002-04:00

The past few weeks have been a blur and I haven't been keeping up with the bloggy world (and if you're a friend who whom I owe an email, that goes for you as well).

Tomorrow is Halloween and the Spirits of ashEVILle Masquerade. The Feral Chihuahuas will be performing a bunch of sketches - I've got pretty limited participation in this one, but I will be reprising my turn as Bruce, the Ghost of Halloween Past.

Tickets are $20 online, but if you go to either location of Asheville Brewing Co, and mention the facebook ad (this counts as a facebook ad, I guess), then you can get them at a discount.

I was planning on going to the BlogAsheville party tonight, but I've come down with some lurgy - I hope it's a fun party, the last two were awesome fun.

Look for more regular updates starting next week!

Recent and upcoming bastardries

2009-10-06T15:43:00.002-04:00

Last night was a good night for the Oxymorons at Razcals - one of the biggest crowds yet, most people stayed for the whole show, some really funny moments, and at the end there were were so many cries for more that the rest of us (I wasn't in the cast last night) got up to do a special show-ender. I got to pretend to be Carrot Top. Some days I wish I was Carrot Top.

Wednesday night - that's tomorrow is another special show, one of our new "Feral Chihuahuas Presents" shows. Katie, Sarah and I are going to be providing some entertainment at the Martini Wednesday event at The Venue. We have a few more of these "Feral Chihuahuas Presents" where a few of us will be doing our thing in an intimate venue.

Now for the big news - on Halloween Night the Feral Chihuahuas will be part of the biggest show and party Asheville has seen in a long time. The venue is the Haywood Park Hotel Ballroom, and here's what is on tap...

Sketches from the Feral Chihuahuas
Sideshow entertainment from Arts2People
Beer from Asheville Brewers Alliance
Costume Contest
DJs
And...

The debut of the second Feral Chihuahuas Musical! Tommy has taken perennial favorite "The Halloween Carol" and ramped it up with new jokes and songs. I'm a terrible singer, but I'm going to work my ass off on getting this right.

Come back here for ticket details and a full line-up soon.

No-shows and yes-shows

2009-09-28T15:10:00.002-04:00

Didn't get to perform on the weekend, which was a bit of a disappointment, but I heard that people who went to the show at Coxe Ave on the weekend had a good time and a creepy time. Which I think was the intention all along.

Unexpectedly, it looks like I'm in the show tonight at Razcals. So come out at 8pm for a free show with the OxyMorons - it's going to be a really intriguing lineup of morons tonight, possibly someone I've never performed before with (does that sentence make sense?). Free show - keep Razcals happy by buying drinks and food.

Get your Monday on!

2009-09-21T12:54:00.002-04:00

I'll be doing improv with the OxyMorons tonight at Razcal's bar - Old Fairview Road in East Asheville (Fairview represent!). I'm looking forward to tonight's show, should be an all-star lineup out there. Show is free, just buy enough food and drinks to keep yourself slinging outrageous suggestions at me.

There's some new videos up at the Feral Chihuahuas YouTube from this season...

Man Douche. Yes, we were using Axe cans as the spray and we all smelled like Cinjades at the end. Adam was the true trooper of this shoot, he took a full face of body spray to the face in that end shot and didn't flinch. You can also see a reason as to why I went with the short hair this year, check out the mane underneath the wig in that first scene.

The Intro for "King of Kings" - I love the intro, was never too big on the sketch (though it gave me a chance to eat cheetos on stage). I love my poking my tongue out in disgust at the end, we don't do many profile shots.

Wyman did some amazing work on these, even after we showed them during our shows this year. Way to go Wyman!

Inglorious misspellings

2009-08-31T15:40:00.002-04:00

Went to see "Inglourious Basterds" on the weekend. Brilliant from start to finish, and Christoph Waltz is the perfect villain!!!! The every syllable dripping sarcasm works through the whole film, and kudos to that first scene being stretched to breaking point to set the scene for what a prick he is going to be to everyone.

Tonight is the OxyMorons show at Razcals - if you're looking to laugh tonight I can't recommend this more highly. Come down and challenge the Bastard! It's an interesting venue, personally I love trying to win over the crowd who come not realising there's an improv show on. If I can get a laugh out of them, it's a victory. Takes me way back to two bad early stand-up experiences, both in Australia.

One was at a bar in Melbourne that ran comedy regularly, but most of the time it was just the comedians in the crowd. I was trying to do my set, and there were a bunch of guys playing pool who were way louder than the few actually listening. I was trying to time punchlines to after one of them making a shot, so at least there would be some reaction.

The other was in Hobart, Tasmania. A bar that had never done comedy before decided to try a comedy night, and it was a one-and-done situation. There weren't a lot of people there, but of the few who were there to listen to the comedy, two of them were kids writing a report for their High School (and since they had to have an adult with them - in bars in Australia anyone can come in provided they're with an adult), their mother was there sitting with them... and her knitting. She sat there alternating being appalled and pretending not to listen, and smacking the kids if they laughed - it didn't help that of the three comedians, I was doing the filthy stuff, we had one guy doing mostly drug-related material, and a goth kid doing monologues about being suicidal. To cap it off, the bar didn't turn off the jukebox - so particularly during the goth kid's set, he was getting drowned out by the singing.

I love me a hostile crowd! But I also love a bar full of people who want to laugh - so here's hoping tonight is more of the latter than the former. Bring it on, Razcals!

Back in Asheville and Back in Action!

2009-08-26T16:10:00.002-04:00

Been gone for a while, didn't get any official performing in while I was gone, sadly, but now I'm back and ready to get back into it.

LAAFF is coming up over Labor Day weekend - it seems to be year on/year off that I do something at LAAFF and this is an "on" year. If you take the LaZoom shuttle bus to and from LAAFF, there's a chance that you'll get some Bastard or some Feral Chihuahuas entertainment while you're being shuttled.

The OxyMorons are still going strong at Razcals on Monday night - and karaoke comes straight after us! Come see the show and then challenge me to sing something. I'm a really terrible singer!

Come see the Feral Chihuahuas (but not the Bastard) this weekend

2009-08-11T16:28:00.002-04:00

So last weekend I did just about the most disgusting thing I've ever done in the name of comedy, and it should be in a film at the Feral Chihuahuas shows this weekend. I have a prior commitment out of town, but Tommy, Andrew, Katie, Sarah, Drew and Adam will be bringing the funny to the Asheville Arts Center for one last time. I think the next Feral Chihuahuas show will be a Halloween Extravaganza, so don't miss this. There's also going to be the debut of the new Feral Chihuahuas t-shirt.

Asheville Arts Center, 8pm Friday and Saturday night, $10 - all new sketches, songs and films!

Buy your tickets to Feralton here.

Monday night I think was my best performance with the OxyMorons at Razcals. I was really happy with how things went at 35 Below earlier this summer, but overall I think last night was a truly great show. Eating cottage cheese with hot wax while Drew wrapped me in bacon, followed by a disaster of a Mexican-themed party with Sarah, continuing my unbeaten streak in Feudalism (Drew and I nailed "Film Noir"), and then some truly inspiring audience suggestions for "I like my men like I like my ..." rounded out an evening of laughs.

The OxyMorons are at Razcals every Monday at 8, with karaoke following at 10. I'm not always in the show, so check back here and I'll try to keep you updated on which shows I'm in, but it's always a good laugh and FREE!

Come see the Feral Chihuahuas this weekend!

2009-07-30T16:18:00.002-04:00

It's show #3 of our big summer season - "Introduction to Western Civilization"

We're packing together sketches of historical significance with new films, audience participation, crazy new bits and a possible return of a great hit from the April Fool's Day show - "George 'the' Bastard Reads Notices".

I've got a lot of roles in this show too, probably penance for not being able to be in the last show (I'll be writing and in films, but I won't be on stage for the season finale).

Visit Feralton at the Asheville Arts Center (308 Merrimon Ave) the Friday and Saturday at 8pm to find out

Can Emily Dickinson impress her poetry teacher?
Did Nirvana write the plot for porn?
Can you take financial advice from a man with bad hair?
What can the French New Wave do for you?
What did Hamlet really do to Ophelia?
Whose feet did I give a thorough rubbing to this week?

All that and possibly what she said - 8pm, $10. Buy your tickets now!

Recent bastardries - it's been quite the time!

2009-07-30T14:21:00.002-04:00

It's been a while, and things have been motoring along in the world of the Bastard.

The Feral Chihuahuas went to Ohio to the Shadowbox Sketch Comedy festival. Shadowbox is quite the entity, and if you happen to be near Columbus, you need to check them out! It's like a commune with a theatre - the gang there do everything from writing to performing to cooking. We were treated like royalty, and if you've been to a Feral Chihuahuas show you know that we don't just bring the funny, but we love to entertain and we were the party planners for the late night gazebo sessions at the hotel. I have no idea how we weren't kicked out of the rather nice Marriot Courtyard.

For Day #1 we got a tour of the facility at Shadowbox and worked through our material on the stage. In typical Chihuahuas fashion we were something like 87 minutes longer than we thought we were, so cuts had to be made. I was hoping we'd cut everything I was in but Facescroll so I wouldn't have to change costume at all, but I ended up in two of our pieces so there was one piece of rapid costume changes.

Performance went well - the audience at Shadowbox were there to LAUGH!!! All six of the groups got at least one great reaction, and our set went really well. The only role I had that was meant to get a lot of laughs was as Postings in Facescroll, and it suits me pretty well, I just have to deliver lines in a silly voice, no acting required.

A few of the Shadowbox people came and joined us at the hotel late at night - yay for 3am drinking and philosophising with fellow funny people, particularly the guys from Laughter League, Cell Camp and the Indicators. Here's some samples of these groups...

Laughter League's "You-scan-it" sketch. Although the idea has been kind of done before, the cap is brilliant!

Most of the sketches that I really liked by Cell Camp aren't on their YouTube, but I wish they'd done this one live - "Can I fart in here"?

The Indicators also don't have their funniest stuff online - they were the first group I got to know (because their table was between ours and the buffet).

Far less hungover than I had any right to be, I emerged for Wednesday's festivities. The plan for Wednesday's show was to highlight the "best of the fest", although I wasn't sure about them breaking up sketches into smaller parts to thread through the show, it might have been a better idea to give each group two sketches, one long and one short. For us, they picked "Gangster Rap for the Hearing Impaired" so I had a whole day to watch and hang out. I ended up being picked for one of the few lines in the Garrett Morris sketch, so I suddenly had something to do. In the sketch, a lot of us had to play kids - Joe from Laughter League and I both had beanies, "just in case" (hey Joe, if you're reading, did the picture of us come out?).

Wednesday night's show was a blast - a lot of audience members came to both shows, so at the end I had a few crowd people come up and say they liked Face Scroll (and one person who confused me for someone in Cell Camp - with great apologies to whomever in Cell Camp looks or sounds like me). I got to see almost all of the show from the little back corral area, and Shadowbox's lighting and mic effects really helped a few of the sketches. Drew and Tommy stretched Gangsta Rap out for an eternity!

There was some pretty nice press around the event too. Metromix Columbus pointed out that the Feral Chihuahuas took the risks and got the rewards. Columbus Dispatch gave us much love, with reviews of the shows on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Staggered back to the hotel late at night to see that the Laughter League had commandeered the pool, so joined in. This was followed by more drinking and merriment, and a fairly sombre drive back to Asheville on Thursday.

Shadowbox! Can't thank you enough for amazing organization of a terrific festival. I want to go back!

Feral Chihuahuas tonight and tomorrow

2009-07-17T16:38:00.002-04:00

The Feral Chihuahuas are back with Show #2 of the summer series - Social Patchworking Sorcery. I'm looking forward to this in a big way. For a start, I get to play a waiter. I play a lot of waiters, although I have never been a waiter. I think enough of the rest of the Chihuahuas have been waiters, and want to see what my take on it is.

Second, there's going to be a really great film/sketch tie-in. I haven't seen the film parts yet, but the film/sketch tie-in excites me. Sarah wrote the script and I got my grotty fingers into it, and it's my favorite three-parter in a long long time.

Third, I will be wearing the pants I wore in "Vending Love". I don't get to wear them very often, and that is a shame. So come see what it's all about. Downtown Asheville is going to be a noisy, overcrowded mess, so drop $10 on an evening with friends, laughs, and easy-to-find parking. It's at the Asheville Arts Center, 308 Merrimon Ave.

Mountain Expressionism

2009-07-15T16:00:00.002-04:00

Well I'm back from my four day trip to an undisclosed location. Not sure if I've changed the world, but I may just have made it a funnier place. I did a little blog maintenance when I got back, I finally got around to modifying Shad Marsh's blog (VOTE FOR HIM!!). As official stand-up comedian of the Marsh For Mayor campaign, I will be coming up with jokes and offensive stances to further sink his perilous ship. I've added Nathan Adams' page of intriguing art and performance in Asheville. I'm a big fan of Nathan and was hoping to use him in a stand-up night that originally fell through but may be back on (look for details in September).

And what a nice surprise to come back to - the Mountain Xpress was teasing us that there was going to be an article on comedy in Asheville, including a little picture from our season-ender last year.

The full article is great, and the press version has some really nice reprints of pictures including some from our season-opener just over a week ago! The next set of Feral Chihuahuas shows are this upcoming weekend - Friday and Saturday nights at the Asheville Arts Center. I'll have some new stand-up, and we're finally working the films into the sketches, so come out and see a series of firsts.

Buy tickets online now!

Was that a week?

2009-07-10T18:56:00.002-04:00

Been one crazy week here in Bastardville, three shows, a mystery illness, some travel and some more travel coming up soon.

The first two Feral Chihuahuas shows are in the bag, and if you missed them, make sure you catch some of the remaining shows. If you were there, you know you need to catch more of the shows. Great audiences each night, delicious drinks, venue rocking, and the stage for Feralton helps out a lot with the show.

Got an unexpected laugh on Saturday night by being caught on stage moving scenery and throwing myself behind a curtain, so look for a few more stage-hand antics. I am not in that many sketches, so I try to make sure that I'm setting the stage to make it look good.

Monday was my first show at Razcals - great to see some of the Drinking Liberally people there, and a few new faces (the couple from Alabama, if you've made it here, hi!). Looks like those shows are building a reasonable crowd, but it would be nice if they could be a bit more popular.

Didn't make it to a bunch of things at the end of the week with some mystery stomach bug, and I'm travelling the next few days, but I'll be back in Asheville next weekend for more Feral Chihuahuaness!

So in my absence, go see the Oxymorons at Razcals on Monday night at 8pm. Drinks specials, free show and now air conditioning!

And get yourself a ticket to go see the next Feral Chihuahuas shows. Come see new stand-up, and hear me attempt an Austrian accent.

Welcome to Feralton!

2009-07-03T12:27:00.003-04:00

The Feral Chihuahuas media onslaught continues with an article in Take 5 today. We're also mentioned in Tony Kiss's Today in Asheville.

Last night we finished putting together the set and the technical details for the summer series. We've gone ambitious - there's a set for Feralton, creepy Feral Chihuahuas will be looking at you from all angles, and we've re-set the stage so there should be none of the bad lines of viewing that there were in a few sketches in the April Fools show. I put an impressive blister on my thumb working on these sets.

I've got some new (some of it topical, but I promise - no Michael Jackson jokes) stand-up to open proceedings tonight and tomorrow night.

Semi-dress rehearsal with the new set went well last night. We have never rehearsed as much for one show (whether that will show tonight is a matter for debate and debauchery).

Shows are July 3 and 4 at 8pm. There's still tickets available for both nights, $10 online or at the door (if any tickets are left or anyone walks out in disgust - I call that "vertical applause").

Get your tickets now, and all aboard for Feralton!

If that wasn't enough comedy (or Bastard) for you, I'm also doing improv with the OxyMorons at Razcals at 8pm on Monday night. I'll be coming up with one-liners based on your ideas, so come out and stump the Bastard!

Tickets on sale now for July 3 & 4 Feral Chihuahuas Show

2009-06-29T11:26:00.002-04:00

We're just four days away!

Here's what's in store for this week's show

The debut of new Feral Chihuahua Adam Meier - see him on film, see him live
A new set constructed for this summer season
Hysterical live sketches and films that you will see nowhere else
Two musical acts
Stand-up from George "the" Bastard
Pre-show slide-show - come early, sit close and enjoy some pretertainment

Get your tickets now - there's limited seating, and our last show sold out well in advance. Select a date from the drop down menu and you're on your way to Feralton!

What's funny in Asheville? Lots of Bastardry!

2009-06-25T14:04:00.002-04:00

In between rehearsing for the upcoming Feral Chihuahuas season-opener I'm going to be in a few shows over the weekend.

It's the third year of the Asheville Community Theater's Late Night Comedy Series at 35 Below, and this weekend will be two shows by the Oxymorons. These will be the first shows to really feature some of the newer members of the improv group, and will be my re-introduction to improv.

Shows are Friday and Saturday nights, 8pm at 35 Below (enter on Market St). Tickets are only $10

After the show on Saturday, I'll be heading down to NC Stage Company for the Best of No Shame Theatre - my piece "The Rise and Fall of the Alliteranation" was nominated. Show starts at 11 and should be a riot. Tickets are $5 at the door - this will be one of the strangest shows you will ever see!

Why didn't I think of that? And can I steal their idea.

2009-06-25T12:58:00.002-04:00

The online Citizen-Times is reporting that a play (involving original music) about Asheville's homeless is going to be produced in Virginia.

Ideas this awesome never come along - homeless people, the musical? When it gets produced, I volunteer to be the ticket-taker.

Hey man, I just need you to come see my show, you see my old lady is with my car at the garage and I just need $3.57 to get to her or I'll lose my car. God bless.

Maybe there'll be room in it for Matt

Get your Tickets Now - Feral Chihuahuas Summer Season!!!!

2009-06-24T09:53:00.006-04:00

Au revoir, hair

2009-06-22T12:11:00.002-04:00

Decided to try a new, leaner, meaner, more slim-lined Bastard look for this summer so I cut off most of my hair on Friday.

Rehearsals for the July 3 and 4 Feral Chihuahuas shows start tonight! It's going to be a great show, tickets should be available in the next day or two from our brand-new website.

Tonight you can catch the Oxymorons live at Razcals - I can't be there tonight but that just means that "beer sausage" most likely will not get used in a game.

Au revoir, Caffiend

2009-06-17T11:54:00.002-04:00

Mountain Xpress is reporting that the favorite coffee haunt of the Bastard is shutting down tomorrow.

I know it had come close a couple of times, but I was always keeping my fingers crossed - the idea was brilliant, the coffee good, the crowd extremely dingy and sour. They were a sponsor of the Feral Chihuahuas two years ago and I ran a pretty decent open mic night there (with an ugly fallout, but that wasn't Caffiend's fault).

Now I'm going to need to find a new place for morning coffee (it was pointed out on the weekend that I always have either a beer or a coffee in hand).

There's going to be a closeout bash for Caffiend tomorrow night, I'll stop by.

BEER SAUSAGE!!!

2009-06-16T10:18:00.004-04:00

I didn't end up on stage at Razcal's last night, I chatted with the owner and threw in "helpful" suggestions from the crowd. The new owner has really changed the feel of the place, there's an airy game room, amusing food and some very friendly staff. Not a huge crowd, interesting thing was that people who were clearly not there expecting a show stayed and had a good time. I hope we can advertise the next one (NEXT MONDAY 8PM - most likely I'll not be in the cast for this one since I'm scheduled for a Feral Chihuahuas researsal that night).

However there is one other great reason to go to Razcals

BEER SAUSAGE!!!!

This is the greatest name for a menu item ever.

So come out next Monday for some Improv and BEER SAUSAGE

A little bit of Bastard tonight (just a little)

2009-06-15T11:18:00.003-04:00

Tonight is the first of the new OxyMorons shows at Razcals. It's a free show, and I've heard the food there has picked up in quality severely. I'm going to be in a few of the larger games, so stop by for a drink and a laugh - show starts at 8pm.

I caught the Beards of Comedy show at 35 Below on Friday. Small crowd, really needed a bit of punching to warm up - this may be an Asheville thing, I've found out if I come out and start shouting and getting in people's faces straight away I get a better reaction than if I try to feel my way into a set. Always tough going to the first show in a series, so I hope they got some good crowds and laughers as the weekend went on.

We're getting closer and closer to the Feral Chihuahuas season opener! July 3 at Asheville Arts Center - more details and ticket information here soon!

The last temptation of Caine

2009-06-12T16:37:00.002-04:00

Well, it appears that David Carradine left this world while choking little grasshopper. What is amazing is that people hunting all around the interweebs for Autoerotic Asphyxiation are landing on our YouTube video of my Autoerotic Asphyxiation sketch from last year's summer season - we're over 20,000 hits on it!

I was pleasantly surprised to hear that "The Rise and Fall of the Alliteranation" has been picked for this year's Best of No Shame Theatre, which will be on June 26 at 11pm. I read through it again this week, and I think it's a neat little sketch - doesn't really fit with the work I've been doing with the Feral Chihuahuas but it was fun to write. So it will probably be put to bed after this show - come on out on the 26th at 10pm (come straight from the OxyMorons show and double your Bastard in the one night)!

Stretch your funny weekend out this weekend by coming to see the first OxyMorons show at Razcals on Monday! 8pm for the return of improv to places that legitimately serve alcohol, woohoo.

Wow - this is how you cross the line?

2009-06-10T12:48:00.002-04:00

I have a great fondness for "The Chaser" - their urban guerilla stuff (they were the ones who got an Osama Bin Laden impersonator into APEC) is great, but some of their sketch comedy stuff is not so hot. However I'm pretty amazed that they were taken off the air for this sketch (I laughed at it).

The head of ABC comedy was axed because of it.

In the end I'm wondering "why didn't I think of that?"

35 Below Summer Comedy Series is Back

2009-06-08T13:53:00.003-04:00

The Feral Chihuahuas are waving a fond farewell to our home of the last two years, 35 Below at the Asheville Community Theatre. It was a terrific venue and the shows there were a lot of fun, but we had to turn a lot of fans away, so we've got a new venue for our shows - we'll be starting our series at the Asheville Arts Center.

35 Below is running the Third Annual Late Night Comedy series (and there's a chance you might even see George "the" Bastard performing). It kicks off this weekend with the Beards of Comedy, highly recommended by the Robot Johnson guys.

And if you make it all the way to Monday, come see the FREE show at Razcals featuring the OxyMorons.

Or go take advantage of the free live show this week downtown that will be the fans of Phish and the Beastie Boys.

The Feral Chihuahuas Are Back

2009-06-08T13:49:00.002-04:00

Are you ready Asheville - July 3 and 4 is our first show of out new Summer Season! Tickets will be on sale soon

Here's "CherDonna" from last season's finale show - another Calloway/Bastard production.

Oh joy, the Beastie Boys

2009-06-04T14:20:00.002-04:00

Asheville is about to go berzerk about the Beastie Boys, who I thought had disappeared into a black hole of their own hype men in about 1989. I've had a couple of people ask if I'm interested in going, which makes you realise just how few friends you really have.

It may be worth showing up just to see what the crowd is like. Does Asheville have enough lime green track suits in stock?

Can't find anything funny to do? Read the Asheville Citizen-Times!

2009-05-29T14:27:00.002-04:00

It's always worth a peek at the online Asheville Citizen-Times because at random times during the day they put up stories with a minimum of spellchecking, editing and aforethought.

Today, the Bastard's favorite street name makes an appearance. I guess the subheading was declared too bland. On the other hand it is rather a nice Friday morning to be sitting out in downtown Asheville with open containers of beer and cocaine. I think she was just making the most of things.

This headline conjures up some more stunning visuals on a slow news day (apart from beer and cocaine on Short Coxe!). Phish phans are phucking coming and they will clog the streets of Asheville. You know if there's any city well-equipped for the onslaught of broke smelly jam band fans, you'd think it would be Asheville.

I'm back - Asheville get ready

2009-05-27T12:06:00.002-04:00

I had one of the least stressful returns to the US ever - my passport and documentation are usually such a mess that leaving or entering any country is a hassle. I have a green card, four cancelled visas, an Australian passport and am usually drunk getting on or getting off a plane. It's tempting when you're an immigration official to dwell on the cancelled visas. In Philadelphia once I spent a few hours quality time in the little room they keep you in when they aren't sure if they're going to let you in to the country. Hilarity continued to ensue as by the time they let me out of the little room, my suitcase had been considered abandoned and everything was laid out all over two tables of another little room that they had for miscreants.

In any case I'm back and I'm embarking on a few new things.

Last night I did my first full-on improv show in about 20 years, performing with the OxyMorons for the last show at Buddha Bagels. Great audience, fun night, trying to impersonate Jack Nicholson I decided I sounded like Dick Sargeant and ran with it (unfortunately the game ended before I could suggest a foursome with the other Jack Nicholson, Nicole Kidman and Elizabeth Montgomery). I'll be doing some more shows with the OxyMorons, so watch this space for details.

The Feral Chihuahuas (new website coming soon!) are getting ready for a new summer season opening on the 4th of July Weekend! I'm writing away for this at the moment, we've got new writers, some great ideas and each show is going to be a spectacular. This year we're going to do the same show on Friday and Saturday nights, so there's no excuse for missing the best sketch comedy in Asheville. After the success of the April 1st extravaganza we're going to step up to the bigger venue - you'll be able to get tickets here soon.

Coming soon is the next Vortex Cabaret - sorry I missed the first one. This is going to be one cheap, weird and funny show.

Keep checking back to the Lack of Life for updates on local comedy and bastardry. It's good to be back.

What do you eat in America?

2009-05-18T17:30:00.002-04:00

At lunch yesterday I was asked that very odd question by my step-grandmother (let's call her step-nanabastard). Several good answers came to mind, but I settled on "a lot". However we were having this conversation as I was about to tuck into a pretty Australian, all things considered, lunch. Now in the US we have the Outbreak chain of restaurants who claim to be the custodians of Antipodean cuisine, but I'm not sure if they really come up to the bizarrity that is the Australian palate.

I chose the signature chicken dish for the place I was at yesterday, and it was grilled chicken with satay sauce, guacamole and sour cream. Kind of tex-mex-thai. The classic Australian dish is a meal in a single course, something very savoury, something meaty, and something sweety in the one dish.

So next time you're at home and thinking "I'll cook Australian" just add these three ingredients together and you've got the perfect Aussie dish.

Pork a la Bastard:

Grill a pork chop, top it with feta cheese and olives, and cover it in raspberry jam.

It's easy to cook Australian with the Bastard!

The Unabbaiodable

2009-05-16T19:09:00.003-04:00

There are two things that just aren't a big deal in the US, but in Australia some people care and I can't really see why, but I'm suckered in anyway.

The Eurovision Song Contest, which has provided the world with ABBA, two or three one-hit wonders (Buck's Fizz anyone?) and a quarter century of nonentities is on TV running over three whole nights. The first night (a "semi" final where 18 countries started but only 10 got to move on) had a lot of time to fill, so they'd show the first song, then recap that song while getting the second song ready. Then you'd have a recap of the first two songs while the third song was prepared. The first song, which appeared to be performed by Belarusian pirate fetishists on stilts, made 18 appearances, but still didn't get to the second round. Apparently someone will win, and their CD will be prominent in the discount section of Serbian branches of Best Buy for the next three weeks.

Speaking of ABBA... we as a country have refused to let go. Yesterday, in honor of the Eurovision Song contest, I heard three ABBA songs on the radio (and the Australian in me came out, as I found myself subconsciously mumbling along with "I Had a Dream:"), and a few million mentions that the 295th re-run of "ABBA: The Movie" a concert film of ABBA in Australia in 1976 was going to be shown on Saturday prime time.

If you're thinking of bringing a country to its kness, kidnap ABBA and demand what you want from Australia, we'll give it to you.

Things you take for granted

2009-05-14T23:40:00.002-04:00

The internet in Australia is expensive. I remember it being that way when I was a University student, and it's gotten even more so. You pay per megabyte, and it's funny to watch what my laptop, Pornputer, chews through while it's "idly" connected to the interweebs. Just signing in to the Lack of Life took up almost a megabyte, and therefore cost me 10 cents. I don't think it's worth that much.

In my apartment in Asheville, a check for wireless access points shows at least 20 of them, and five or so of them are "scab internets" where I can log in and steal someone else's connection. There's nothing like that around here. On the rare occasion I can find a wireless hotspot it's locked down! So I got a prepaid wireless broadband doohickey. It plugs into the back of pornputer and dials up a wireless connection. Pretty nifty stuff - once my $10 of internet has run out (hopefully not before the happy ending), I can call up the nice people in Bangmanilastan and either give them more money for more internet or order nasi goreng to go.

Bastard Internationale

2009-05-12T22:23:00.003-04:00

OK, well I'm in Australia, and I'll be here for a few weeks. Reliving a few Bastard roots, I'm sitting right now in the bedroom I inhabited as a little Bastard (now a computer den). I'm getting a kick out of printing things out on larger sheets of paper, and watching the water circle the other way as I expel the remnants of Qantas cuisine.

My flight out of Asheville was delayed by three beers, but I managed to make my connections in Charlotte and Los Angeles. Qantas have a camera on the tail of the airplane, so you can watch takeoff and landing from a little video screen in front of you. I'd put some sort of deliberate warp on it so it looks like you're coming in to the runway at a crazy angle. When we landed in Melbourne, people in surgical masks got on the plane to make sure nobody has the sniffles. Thus far swine flu has stayed out of Australia, and apparently they think the spread can be having incoming international flights met by people in surgical masks. We all had to stay in our seats as they scoured the plane. I thought about coughing out of principle.

Au revoir, friend of the bastard

2009-05-02T14:05:00.003-04:00

The Lack of Life is saddened by the loss of The Computer In The Cow Box, who left this world in the fading days of April, aged 9.

The Computer In The Cow Box is preceded in death by most of Gateway Computers, the Zip Disk system, an external DVD burner, the internal modem, Windows XP and its original Epson printer. It is survived by a Motorola cable modem, an Epson 3-in-1, and an elderly 15-inch CRT monitor.

Recent bastardries

2009-04-19T14:28:00.002-04:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks since the last Feral Chihuahuas show, but there's some excitement coming up soon.

It looks like the next Feral Chihuahuas show is going to be Independence Day weekend, with the working title of "After Birth Of A Nation, What Now?". I'm writing patriotic pieces, but also hoping to get a few of the usual Bastard things slipped through that don't necessarily match the theme. Time and ticket details will be available here as soon as I know.

In the interim we're working on some short films and the eagerly-anticipated URTV episodes. We're going to make some internet-only films and video pieces, I'll be trialling some of them here.

I missed the start of No Shame Theater last night, but it looked like it was going to be a great show. I figured I was going to fall asleep, so I ducked out.

Vortex Cabaret is coming soon... more details on that when I know them.

Things are heating up, I'm going to try to take some time to write more regular posts, so look back for more regular injections of the Bastard in your lives.

Blog Neglect

2009-04-09T17:55:00.002-04:00

The show last week was so amazing that it broke my toe, gave me a horrible head cold and kept me away from the blog for a week. Now that's a good show!

Amazing - we had a turnaway crowd (usually we turn crowds away with some of the performances, but this time we had to actually say "there's no room for you at this show")! We could have managed a few things better, but the large crowd really took us aback, we went on late because we were trying to squeeze as many people in as possible.

Show was great - if you were in the audience and are reading, that was the best response I've had to a stand-up set in years. That reminder that I read made me laugh for hours and I'm glad I could share the supreme creepyness of it with the audience. I need to do some more stand-up, looks like there's a good chance for a lot more Asheville performances starting in May (I prefer to spread it around, but I'll work on some new material). I'm writing for the summer season of Feral Chihuahuas - if you were at the show you got a healthy dose of my material - and trying a few new twists on sketches. I've not been good at writing physical humor into sketches, but I've had a few ideas that involve movement and space.

This weekend we'll make the arrangements for the summer shows, so check back here to find out first. We're going to be doing each show more often, to give as many of you as possible a chance to see the Feral Chihuahuas in action.

I broke my toe the morning of the show (this is not my excuse for the terrible dancing), and came down with a cold over the weekend, so I've been out of action lately and missed a few shows and performances I really didn't want to miss. The Oxymorons are now performing weekly at Buddha Bagels, check them out on Tuesdays to keep your laughing gear in order for our upcoming season!

Tonight's the night!

2009-04-01T11:01:00.002-04:00

Feral Chihuahuas live at the Asheville Arts Center, 308 Merrimon Ave - tickets available at the door, $10 / $7 for students. Come see some original sketch comedy from Asheville's premier sketch comedy ensemble, original songs, stand up by George "the" Bastard and some surprises you are going to love!

In trying to get everything together last night I tore off a toenail so I haven't quite broken a leg for tonight but I've gotten close. I have a few small parts in sketches tonight but I get to wear two competely ridiculous costumes. This show is a sneak preview of what is to come in our sensational summer season.

Next Wednesday!

2009-03-27T14:49:00.004-04:00

CLICK BELOW TO BUY TICKETS

Bastardwatch - everyone at the airport

2009-03-26T13:20:00.002-04:00

In an effort to spread Bastardry one mountain at a time, I've just spent a week in Salt Lake City. Which is a story in itself, however I have to hand it to the Mormons - you have unintentionally created the PERFECT drinking city! The entire place is on a numbered grid pattern, so it's impossible to get lost unless you lose your powers of mathematical reasoning when hammered (I am at 300 west and 400 south, I need to get to 600 west and 100 south, so I have to go three blocks in this direction, and three blocks in this direction).

In trying to create a state where nobody drinks, they forgot to put a tax on alcohol, or a limit to the amount that can be served at one time. You want a $10 pitcher of microbrew all to yourself, there you go, how about a cheap chaser?

The downside is that you have to become a member at bars. And many bars now have my fingerprints, address, drivers licence number and toenail samples. So if you're a budding identity theftist, just steal the ledger from under the bar at any Salt Lake City drinking establishment.

But now to the present - some morons thought they could fly Delta from Salt Lake City in March and not get delayed. I was on a small shuttle plane to Denver, which was sitting on the tarmac waiting for its de-icing (plane bath!), which meant that we were 90 minutes late getting to Denver. I think most of my plane were transferring to Atlanta, which was meant to be leaving from the gate right next to where we pulled in. There's no plane there. I am on a plane of hysterical people screaming that they needed to get off because they had 15 minutes to make a connection to an invisible plane. Many of these people are approaching the desk (there's still no plane) every 10 minutes or so begging and pleading for the plane to come here faster. Did I add there's a snowstorm?

I'm thinking of borrowing a Delta uniform and opening up my own bastard information station for these delusional rabble-rousers.

"Will I make my connection?"

"No. I hope your jam-packed carry-on bag the size of a horse is comfortable because you'll be using it for a pillow for the next two nights"

---

"When will the incoming plane arrive?"

"I'll just call the pilot and ask them to hurry up for you. He's prone to doing cartwheels and flying irregular routes, and doing this annoying slowing down before hitting the runway. Can you sign this responsibility form in case the plane crashes trying to land in this snowstorm so you can get to Atlanta?"

---

"I demand recompensation for delay of my time"

"If you whine and bellyache like this at work, you probably cost your company money. They owe us for keeping your useless ass from the office."

Come see The Feral Chihuahuas on Wednesday for our pre-season opening extravaganza. If you're really lucky, I'll still be here! Link to buy tickets below.

Feral Chihuahuas Tickets

2009-03-24T17:34:00.002-04:00

Want to see the upcoming show on April 1st?

You're only a click away.

Tickets are $10 - show starts at 9pm at the Asheville Arts Center at 308 Merrimon Avenue.

New sketches and old favorites - some singing, some dancing and a little Bastard. You don't want to miss it!

I Pity The April Fool

2009-03-10T22:31:00.003-04:00

The Feral Chihuahuas are back with an April Fools Day spectacular.

We're bringing back some classic sketches and films with a line up of new material for one night only - and at a new venue.

The Asheville Arts Center is about to get Feral - bigger stage, bigger audience, bigger screen.

Tickets will be available for purchase soon - watch this space!

Recent Bastardries

2009-03-10T21:14:00.003-04:00

I had a terrific bastard moment yesterday, I had a bunch of mailings to do that didn't get finished until around 4 yesterday, so at 4:10 pm I descended on the post office with 42 envelopes that had to be individually weighed and stamped. There were two people working, and I managed to hold up one of them for 30 minutes with the occasional wave and smile to the gathering crowd behind me. It's good to be a bastard!

If you have G4, and they are showing them in order, tomorrow night should be the episode of "The Chaser's War On Everything" when most of the cast get arrested for driving a car with the Osama Bin Laden lookalike into the APEC summit.

Humanitarian of the week: Morrissey - saving Asheville from having to hear what he's become. Maybe 311 will show the same consideration to people unfortunate enough to buy a ticket to their show.

Asheville Citizen-Times pedantry edition

2009-03-07T12:21:00.002-05:00

There is a great typo in the online citizen-times today.

Mario Miguel Molina Garcia, 35, of Bear Creek Lane, was charged with possession with intent to manufacture, sell and deliver 445 grams of marijuana; simple marijuana possession; cocaine trafficking; maintaining a dwelling to use, store drugs; possession of drug paraphernalia; and possession of 6 grams of cocaine, warrants show.

His bone was set at $20,000.

Wasting time

2009-03-04T15:11:00.002-05:00

Nothing says trendy like jumping on board an obsession that peaked months ago.

Au revoir, friend of the bastard

2009-03-02T22:00:00.002-05:00

When you think of people who broke down the barriers, names like Jackie Robinson, Martin Luther King Jr., Harriet Tubman and Andrew Dice Clay come to mind. But a true crusader for animal rights was Frisco Jackson Davis, the only animal to ever be allowed in the Bastard's car.

Spare a thought for Frisco's family at this time.

Mountain's Most Wanted?

2009-03-02T21:39:00.003-05:00

Ashevegas tipped me off to this, and it's a great read while you're procrastinating writing scripts for the upcoming Feral Chihuahuas show.

"Mountain's Most Wanted" on the Buncombe County website.

Wow, do we have some ghetto criminals in the mountains, but their nicknames are great. What I think the County is missing is the chance to shame them into getting caught with the wanted poster. These wanted posters make them look kind of... well... cool.

I know he's a "most wanted" but really? JT Money?

Dear Buncombe County - let George "the" Bastard do your wanted posters.

What's funny in Asheville - insomniac edition

2009-02-26T16:13:00.002-05:00

Haven't quite dropped off the face of the planet yet, sorry to tell you. Things have been rather interesting in the world of the Bastard in the last few days, the hammer finally came down on the only facebook profile picture I've ever had, opportunities have been ever so tantalisingly close and getting snatched away, and I'm looking at a few very very random trips.

However the weekend is coming up soon, and if you're looking for a laugh over the next couple of days, this town is a goldmine again!

Last weekend I went to see "The Little Dog Laughed" at Asheville Community Theatre's 35 Below (oftentime home to the Feral Chihuahuas). Great show, well-acted - Jamie Shell is great in it, and I hadn't seen Joan Atwood before but she is perfect in her part. There's some great laughs in this play, and an ending that I won't give away, but I did not pick, and I'm usually a great picker of endings.

Tom Stoppard has written some great bizarre pieces (when is someone in Asheville going to put on "The Dog It Was That Died"?), and the screenplay for "Brazil". But he's best known for an early work, "Rosencrantz And Guildenstern are Dead", which is being put on at NC Stage over the next few weeks. I'm hoping to get to it next week.

Saturday night (or indeed Sunday morning) is the next instalment of No Shame Theatre. Not sure if I'm going to make it there on Saturday but I'm going to try. There's been a change in time - it's 11 for scripts and midnight for the show. If you're lucky you'll be out for last call, but there'll be drinks in there, yip. No Shame is cheap ($5), exciting and always fun, and there's a chance you could end up acting in a George "the" Bastard original.

If you sleep all the way through the weekend and find that you've woken up on Tuesday, then you can see the OxyMorons.

I'm still working on scripts for the next Feral Chihuahuas show, an April Fool's extravaganza. There'll be a work in progress for that show if I make it to No Shame. It's going to be a great show, something a little different. Watch this space!

Bastard word of the day, let's go shopping Asheville edition.

2009-02-16T11:14:00.003-05:00

From the Chambers Dictionary, 11th edition.

ingle: noun. a catamite [origin obscure]

catamite: noun. a boy kept as a homosexual lover.

Even more more Feral Chihuahuas videos

2009-02-14T20:18:00.003-05:00

Some more video goodness for your enjoyment on Valentine's Day.

"Tom and Jeannie", featuring John Moore, another appearance of Andrew in a dress, and the Waffle House menu we originally swiped for the Time Capsule sketch of a few years ago.

"People you should never date: Dr. Seuss". This was the cap of a three-parter I wrote for a show I couldn't be at, so I was seeing it for the first time online. I like it when the title gets a laugh, I heard all three parts went down well.

I'm hoping to have more details tomorrow about the next Feral Chihuahuas show.

But can the Bastard act?

2009-02-13T18:42:00.002-05:00

There's two new videos waiting for you at the Feral Chihuahuas YouTube channel.

Vending Love was written by Drew McDermott and gave me the chance to play a randy random foreigner with one thing on his mind.

Men are from Bars, Women are from Penis was filmed live at the second-t0-last Feral Chihuahuas show of the summer season (a show I couldn't be at), so I hadn't seen it before. I think Andrew is meant to be playing an actual female character here.

A Valentines Day double feature from your friends at the Feral Chihuahuas

Time sensitive joke

2009-02-06T08:42:00.004-05:00

I don't have any shows coming up in the next few weeks and this joke will be old very soon, so it amused me to hear this morning that Kellogs have dropped Michael Phelps as a spokesperson for photos of him taking bong hits at the University of South Carolina (or as they call it at that USC, extra credit). Great move Kellogs, you make cereal - the last thing you need to be doing is pissing off potheads. Nascar don't distance themselves from rednecks, budwiser is all over drunken sports fans but dear old Kellogs don't want to be seen as the munchies cereal of choice.

In completely unrelated news, I saw this snowman and laughed yesterday. ooooh, oh oh oh oh oh oh oh katamari damacy

Cops: Mount Olympus

2009-02-02T22:23:00.001-05:00

Filmed on location in Woodfin, with an extremely brief, well-hidden appearance by George "the" Bastard, and more obvious boxer shorts than a frat party, here's "Cops: Mount Olympus" by the Feral Chihuahuas.

So much for Cello Scrotum

2009-01-28T16:55:00.002-05:00

The Times debunked Cello Scrotum today.

And so disappears another of the genital/musical conditions. We are now down to...

Trombonists' Glans: when you masturbate in the long swooping strokes that you would usually use in a glissandi and squeeze far too much blood into the head of the penis.

French Horn Anus: when the extreme lip pressure on one end causes extreme sphincter loosening on the other end.

Tuba Taint: when attempting to become comfortable squatting holding a 45-pound instrument with no center of gravity results in you shifting uncomfortably so much you gain a characteristic rash

and that extremely unfortunate occurrance you can get when you hold the cymbals too close.

Things are going to get Feral!

2009-01-23T16:09:00.002-05:00

Had a planning meeting for the Feral Chihuahuas last night, first time that all of us had been in the one place since our last show. We settled on a few things that you should be looking out for soon.

Next show will most likely be an April Fools' Day show. Or a Palm Sunday show. Or an Administrative Professionals Day show. It will be linked to a nebulous occasion for joy around the end of March/Start of April time
New clips will be going up soon on the Feral Chihuahuas YouTube channel. My favorite musical piece from last season will be one of them, so if you missed it during the season or the finale, your chance to see CherDonna, the diva to end all divas is coming soon
This probably won't be a full-caster, but some of us will are working on a special show for Oscar Night, February 22.

Who brings a sword to a show???

2009-01-21T09:46:00.002-05:00

I couldn't concentrate at the Oxymorons show last night. It wasn't a bad show (started off really really slowly, but picked up near the end). It wasn't a bad venue, there were sofas, and I snatched a table where I could drink coffee, eat stale pie (re-re-microwaved and lubricated with coffee it was edible), and sneak time on the crossword during the down periods in the show.

But there was a kid sitting right in front of me with a sword!

Buddha Bagels forgot to put the "No swords allowed" sign up next to the "No concealed weapons", "no fake ninjas", "no creative anachronists" and "did I forget to mention, this is a bagel place, you probably don't need a sword in here".

All through the show, this kid just kept playing with the sheath of the sword (or is it a scabbard?)... there's something Freudian there for all of us. An in a more Freudian sense, he managed to resist taking it out for the entire show.

Maybe this is the in thing with the kids these days, and to seem hip, I should bring a grenade to the Winter Beer Warmer this weekend?

What's funny in Asheville? The Oxymorons!

2009-01-20T10:36:00.002-05:00

I haven't yet been in town on a Tuesday night to catch the Oxymorons shows at their new venue, but tonight I should be able to make it. Their shows are now at Buddha Bagels (formerly New York Bagels, formerly some bloke's bagels), 333 Merrimon avenue. I don't know if there will be cream cheese available. 7:30 start, free show but I expect they'll pass the hat around.

Asheville Fringe Arts Festival is coming up from Thursday until Saturday. This is the first time in four years that I haven't been a part of the festival, so I'm looking forward to being an audience for a change. There's an insanely complicated pricing scheme for tickets - I can't wait for the full schedule, but I definielty want to see Rock Saber, since the fragments I've seen at No Shame have cracked me up.

The Feral Chihuahuas are trying to coordinate our busy schedules to get a show together. More details as soon as I know it - stay funny Asheville!

Robot Johnson

2009-01-18T09:14:00.002-05:00

Made it to the Robot Johnson show last night - I'd seen their big show at the Blumenthal Center over summer, their winter home is the Charlotte Comedy Theatre. The Charlotte Comedy Theatre reminds me a lot of the Shed, looks like about a 35-seater, a room in the back hall of a bar (The Graduate). I'd been there before for an improv show, but this time the noise from the bar was a bit more intrusive into the show. To add to the distraction it was a bit of a cat-calling audience.

Overall I enjoyed this show more than the one at Blumenthal - the writing was very good, the acting for such a small place was excellent and it was funny as hell. A lot of short sketches flashing by, so the opportunity for hit-or-miss, but most of them were hits. Odd ending though, I thought the ender was a sketch about a North Carolina redneck pitching movie ideas, since it was about the only sketch that had all of the cast members on stage (I've liked the Feral Chihuahuas direction where we've been ending on a full-caster).

Check out Robot Johnson if you're in Charlotte - they're on at 10pm at the Carolina Comedy Theatre.

Something to look out for

2009-01-15T09:28:00.002-05:00

I saw an advertisement last night that G4 is going to air "Chaser's War On Everything", a really funny mostly political show from Australia.

The cast comes from the University of Sydney Revue - similar to the Cambridge Footlights or the Harvard Hasty Pudding (and my own very humble University of Tasmania Old Nick) college comedy tradition.

For a taste, here's the Eulogy song. I suspect G4 will bleep more than was bleeped on Australian television.

Things are all quietish on the Bastard front. I'm going to Charlotte on the weekend to catch the new Robot Johnson show and hopefully perform at the late show at the Charlotte Comedy Theatre.

Bastard child-care

2008-12-29T09:30:00.002-05:00

Given a bit of time to look after a young child with a play kitchen, there seemed no better game to play than "Sylvia Plath"!

The Bastard vs the Tom Tom

2008-12-23T10:41:00.002-05:00

I'm in a large unfamiliar city, but I should be fine because I have the greatest GPS/mapping device known to man, the Tom Tom. It has a friendly soothing voice, kind of like a chain-smoking call center operator on her third shift in a row.

I wanted to go to NASA because I like hearing heroic music. So Tom Tom will take me there because it's got all sorts of interesting destinations pre-programmed.

But not NASA

Enter in the address - OK, it knows the street. Should be able to get there... I check a map and we do seem to agree as to the location of NASA. Get on an interstate, go along the interstate, turn off on a helpfully-named street called NASA road.

First thing Tom-Tom does is tell me to turn the wrong way, away from the interstate. I ignore it and head the way I know towards the interstate, while Tom Tom screams even more urgently that I need to turn right. Its authority cannot be denied! Until I can see the on-ramp dead ahead and Tom Tom decide that it knew that all along and suddenly there's a new route in front of me.

On the interstate, Tom Tom tells me to keep in the left lane or keep in the right lane. Not sure if this is linked to how slow I'm driving (you're doing 15 miles under the speed limit, get in the left lane immediately). I have some even more helpful back-seat drivers informing me how long it is going to take to get there.

Nearing the exit, there's big signs to get off at an earlier exit for NASA. Tom Tom is insistent that there's still two miles to go before exitville, as are the back seat drivers who are siding with Tom Tom. Fine... we get there to find the exit is closed. At the next exit, we get off and I rebel against Tom Tom turning back around to get on to the interstate and head back the way I was coming.

I believe that Tom Tom is biased against left hand turns, preferring drivers to make a series of 34 right hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn at a set of traffic lights where there is a left turn arrow.

Now (no thanks to Tom Tom), I'm on NASA road, and it's next turn NASA. Tom Tom is screaming at me to make a right hand turn. I' on NASA road (Tom Tom is showing the route going off to the right). So I turn, and Tom Tom next tells me to turn into what turns out to be a church parking lot.

Tom Tom wants me to find religion because I have problems following directions?

I find an actual road again, and Tom Tom tells me to make a left turn. This is the first left turn it's permitted me to make, so what the hell - let's do it. This takes me to an intersection with... mircale of miracles, NASA Road! I think straight across the road is NASA, but Tom Tom wants me to turn left. I am overruled by the Tom Tom worshippers and make the left, sailing right past the entrance to NASA. There's nowhere to turn back around! I go back along the road (at this point Tom Tom has, in a satisfied smug tone, told me that I've reached my destination and now isn't even showing that I'm on a road at all.

A probably illegal U-turn later and I'm back on NASA road, and at my destination.

Tom Tom is unplugged. I like maps.

No Shame last night

2008-12-21T11:30:00.004-05:00

Had a great time at No Shame, it was the last one of the year and there was a lot of holiday-themed stuff, and some really interesting pieces.

I'd wanted to write a "found art" piece for a long time, and finally got to do it for this. Most likely it will never be performed again - I copied every headline from Asheville Craigslist over the last 48 hours to a file (it was about 61 pages double-spaced), and selected only lines from it to make a script - including the title. This is what I came up with (I've linked a few of the odder lines)

Helping Out Those that Help Others

By George (“the” Bastard) Heard

A scene comprising entirely lines from Asheville Craigslist postings from the last 48 hours up until 3pm December 21, 2008

Maria and Chris are sitting talking to themselves, their frustrated boss Gerald is pacing up and down

Gerald

OK, this is the deal (Maria and Chris ignore him, he continues with his speech)

Over the mountains day after Christmas

Wonderful cats need new loving home (he notices that Maria and Chris are ignoring him and taps Maria on the shoulder)

Female bunny, Free

Maria

420

Gerald (disgusted)

Play time!!!!

Local ghost hunting group needs help

Chris

420 n head?

Maria

Do u need a third?

Gerald

Come on

Think about how great it would be to earn your paycheck from your home

Chris

Don’t bitch no more

Maria

Just looking for some fun

Chris

420 then hot and naughty

Gerald

Help please

Ladies and Gentlemen

Maria (taunting)

Whip it out

Chris (cupping his eyes and staring at Gerald)

Looking for bones

Gerald

Where have all the good girls gone?

I will never be able to go through the carwash again

I have three things to offer you

Beta fish w/complete habitat

KID-FIT classes

Access to world satellite TV for small one-time fee

Chris

I want to buy your DVDs

Maria

I am in love with a girl from Candler

Gerald

FOCUS GROUP NETWORK

(pointing at Chris)

Take the psychic training course FREE

(pointing at Maria)

Load of logs

Mental health counselor available

Later tonight

The best pillow you can buy

Maria

If Justin Timberlake was gay you would fuck me… right?

Chris

White men can’t make me cum

Maria

Free love seat

Chris

Take me in my nasty ass, please

Gerald (who has had enough)

TOOOOO Cheap!

Tools (he storms away from them to make a phone call)

Wanted

Sales

Project manager

Independent coordinator

Full time with benefits

(we return to Maria and Chris)

Chris

Where are you?

Maria

Need to get over him

Chris

I MISS YOU! And it is not going away

Maria

Rent a hubby

Chris

We suck

(Back to Gerald… Alan has entered and is talking to him)

Alan

I am affordable

Gerald

You want lower energy bills, don’t you

Alan

Please help a young soldier

Trying something for the first time

Gerald

I will book your shows and handle your promotions

Make unlimited income

(they shake hands… Gerald leaves, Alan approaches Maria and Chris)

Alan

Hay ladies. Holler at me

Chris

I don’t want any games or nonsense, just lay me already

Alan

Where are all the real ladies at?

Maria (showing him a handful of pictures)

Check out my artwork, Angels and more! Fun and funky too

I am the brunette in the pictures

Alan (looking at the pictures)

Wedding gown – very classy

Maria

Plz help me find my friend

Chris

New to Asheville and need a tourguide

Alan

Wanna play a little?

Maria

Hunting for cougars

Chris

Just relax let me do all the work you just enjoy

Alan (feeling pretty smug)

Will supply what you want

Maria

Looking for some

Chris

So?

Alan

Come get some

Maria (returning to psycho status)

Like new lawn tractor tires

Chris

Goat & sheep maintenance

Maria

Free coal!

Chris

Looking for bunk beds for two little boys

Alan (panicking and fleeing)

Best moves

Looking for urban land to farm next year (he runs off)

Chris (looking glum)

Cancelled garage sale

Maria

Interested in forming group for piano students? (they nod enthusiastically and leave)

The Bernstein Brothers at NC Stage

2008-12-18T21:52:00.002-05:00

Another absence from blogging, things will be more active after the new year. I'm doing a few trips and working in a performance here and there, but at the moment most Bastard activities are on ice until mid-January.

However, I made it to the NC Stage production of The Bernstein Brothers Christmas Spectacular, and it was an evening well spent. There's some good laughs in this show, the long sketch that makes up most of the second half is particularly strong. There's still tickets left for the last few performances, so if you're looking for a good laugh to finish out your week, check this show out. John Crutchfield is hilarious and I hope to see him in many more shows.

An added bonus is that I think I picked the night that most people associated with theatre in Asheville decided to go. It was good to see Graham Livengood, Jenny Bunn and Julian Vorus there, and also Chall standing at the entrance like a carnival barker ringing people in.

I'm putting the finishing touches on a piece for the last No Shame of the year which is going to be this Saturday, and then I'm going to be gone for most of the next three weeks (there may be some blog updates if I find a connection or anything to write about).

Recent bastardries

2008-11-24T11:39:00.002-05:00

I have been slack in updating the blog - non comedy projects have taken over lately and I haven't had much time to attempt to be funny. The world is the victor in all of this.

I was in Charlotte over the weekend and checked out Charlotte Comedy Theatre's improv group. They do long-form improv on Saturday nights which is definitely worth seeing, though I think they maybe had one or two members too many. They have an interesting performance space in a hallway behind a smoky bar - you can buy drinks from the bar and bring them in. Robot Johnson do shows there sometimes too and there's an open-mic night (next time I'll hand out for open mic and give them a taste of the Bastard).

I was back in Asheville on Sunday and went to see Danielson at the Grey Eagle. This was my second time seeing Danielson and they've had a few major lineup changes, but they were pretty tight and put on a really fun show. I had seen some clips online of the openers, Cryptacize online and they didn't disappoint (and their members bolstered up Danielson). There were no Cryptacize CDs left, so no additions to the You Suck set. Small crowd, but it was a weird night to have a show.

Things are quiet on the Bastard and Feral Chihuahuas front at the moment, as we're busy editing the shows from summer for some highlight shows to go out on URTV. We're targeting an Inauguration show as the next special performance, watch this space for details.

The Simpsons made me laugh out loud

2008-11-08T20:54:00.002-05:00

I'm still a loyal watcher, but it's not often lately that the Simpsons has seriously cracked me out, but the end of the Homer killing celebrities had me cracking up.

Homer: Is your wife up here?
Abraham Lincoln: We have an arrangement.

Abraham Lincoln puts his hand on Homer's butt.

Whoever wrote that, mega kudos - I noticed Bob Odenkirk on the writers list...

The greatest unibrow in history is now history...

2008-11-06T14:45:00.002-05:00

An old friend sent me this video about a guy I used to hang out with in college. It appeared that some time in the 90s he started trimming his beard. And we used to hang out in day-glo t-shirts to deliberately piss people off. This is also some degree of proof that TV in Australia is no better than TV in the US.

Good news - I found a recent clip of Steven, and although it looks like he's cutting his hair regularly again, the unibrow is making itself seen again

And after the Hellelection, the Halloween

2008-11-05T17:13:00.002-05:00

I was Satan Claus for Halloween and went to a pretty fun party at a friend's place, drank a lot and got into loud conversations with someone I had no right to be talking to in the first place, good times.

Not sure exactly what to make of the photo, though.

Wyman tells me that Autoerotic Asphyxiation is now the most-viewed Feral Chihuahuas clip on YouTube. This apparently has a lot to do with it being linked by two Japanese porn sites - warning, link not safe for work. What would we do without Japanese porn?

Won't be able to use this one again...

2008-11-05T16:57:00.002-05:00

Rather a number of things have happened in the last few days, so much so fast.

The Hellelection show was great - I was in the audience (I read one line for one sketch) and had a ball. Took me back to my early days with the Feral Chihuahuas where I was a writer, I did my stand-up, then sat back in the audience while Tommy, Liz, Jay, Travis and sometimes Karl did the sketches. You really get a vibe in the audience, it's not something I could do with stand-up, but finding out what moves an audience really helps.

The performances were terrific, and Katie and Sarah in the opening segment are going to stick in my mind's eye for a long time. That's one way to guarantee our sponsors will come back (I hope).

The show closer was a piece close to my heart, it was the first song that Tommy and I worked on together - I had an idea for a song and some lyrics, and Tommy got the guitar out and we worked out the music, then worked back over the lyrics to get everything together. We first performed it in the shed a few years ago where it brought the house down (and the Woodfin cops around). Time has run out on it, so here's it is...

"One More Term" by the Clean Skies Act
music and lyrics by Tommy Calloway and George "the" Bastard.

My mortgage foreclosed
Lost the house of my dreams
You bailed out all the banks
But not New Orleans
My bus is out of gas
I've nowhere to park my tush
I've got one question
For President Bush...

(chorus)

Why won't they let you have just one more term
The constitution on that point is firm
You've done so much in eight years yourself
I've got one question
Why can't it be twelve... or fourteen

You took on Iraq
And Afghanistan
Didn't help out Georgia much
But sized up Iran
Extended tours and
I'm sure you will find
That when you go to war
No child's left behind

(chorus)

Gas price has tripled
We line at the pump
You're drilling offshore and
The beach is a dump
Don't believe climate change
You're not a science fan
Just go on smiling with that
Hot Texas tan

(chorus)

There's no gay marriage
And we get to keep our guns (keep our fuckin' guns!)
No abortions
We've all got young'uns
Love the patriot act
And all pray in school
Vote for Barack Obama?
Hey man! That ain't cool.

Why won't they let you have just one more term
The constitution on that point is firm
You've done so much in eight years yourself
I've got one question
Why can't it be twelve... or fourteen

The Hallelection is Tonight!

2008-10-30T12:23:00.001-04:00

It's time! The week is here! The Feral Chihuahuas present HALLELECTION! All the frightening horror of politics and the half-truths and circular logic concerning Halloween. We will see some regular folk try to dethrone Joe SixPack in a sketch called Average Joes. You'll know who has the best candy and where in Halloween Stategery. Faux News is resurrected for a special election edition. We will see some some hauntingly hip and funny Halloween Slam Poetry. Candidates Douglas Munson and Terry Doyle make last minute pleas for your votes. We see costume popularity put to the test in Everyone's a Joker. And we give a salute and homage to exiting president George W. Bush with some music from The Clean Skies Act. So that is this Thursday October 30th at 35 Below Theater. (35 E. Walnut St - Underneath Asheville Community Theater) Showtimes are 8:00 and 9:30 PM. Tickets cost $10 and are available at Wink Heads and Threads (18 Brook St in Biltmore Village) at Adorn Salon and Boutique (82-B N. Lexington Ave) and at the door. There are some tickets still available so get them fast, they are selling quickly! Show up in Costume! For Ticket Info respond call (828)-280-0107.

Peace, Love and Teeny Piles of Poop,

The Hallelection is coming!

2008-10-26T14:14:00.004-04:00

The show you've all been waiting for - all the spookiness and scares of an election combined with all the muckraking and debating you associate with Halloween. All new sketches and film pieces, musical guests and much more.

I've done some writing for this show, but due to other committments, I won't be performing in it - so you can guarantee the acting is going to be better than in the usual Feral Chihuahuas show!

More Live Chihuahuas on the Youtubes

2008-10-26T14:09:00.002-04:00

Mr Tibbles British Invasion - this was the opening sketch from the season finale. Watch it through to the end, there's a rare bit of George the Bastard doing some acting as a policeman at the end.

Back to a blog delusge

2008-10-26T13:59:00.003-04:00

The last two weeks have been so busy with other projects that I've been neglecting the blog. So here come a bunch of updates - I'm taking a break right now from filming segments for the upcoming Hallelection show. This morning we were filming a trick-or-treating sketch, and South Asheville was treated to the sight of Chihuahuas in costume roaming around. I had to grab a picture of Drew in his racecar gear...

And Tommy and Drew trick-or-treating as a tag team

Wouldn't you just want to give them candy?

I've been having a few McCain/Palin moments - I completely misread the time and thought that Nathan Adams' play reading was going to be last night at 7, so I missed it (there's another reading today, but I have to get back to filming). This means I'll also miss the zombie walk (I was working on a costume to go as a Zmobie.

And more YouTubey goodness

2008-10-10T10:28:00.001-04:00

"Bro Hugs" from the season finale - written by John Moore, performed by Andrew McCammon and Tommy Calloway.

Feral Chihuahuas live on the YouTubes

2008-10-09T10:21:00.002-04:00

The first of the live videos from the 2008 Summer season - "Autoerotic Asphyxiation", written by George "the" Bastard and performed by Sarah Erickson (as the Mom), Tommy Calloway (Officer Robinson), Drew McDermott (Jason) and featuring John Moore as the unfortunate victim.

GWAR!

2008-10-07T10:06:00.003-04:00

My ears are still ringing from last night's show (earplugs are for those who care about their hearing).

Amusing start to the evening, I had a craving for some Mo Daddy's chicken, so I headed downtown to get something to eat and wait for Dickie "Ricardo" Davis. I fell foul of the "Closed on Monday" syndrome that hits a lot of bars, and all that was in front of Mo Daddys was some tool trying to impress some kids that he knew GWAR. Classy.

Ed Boudreaux was the back-up stop (love their red beans and rice), so a food-and-wedge-brewing-beer pitstop later, we're ready to hit the show. Looked like there was still ahuge line to get in about 15 minutes after showtime, but that wasn't the case, they'd just excommunicated smokers to Biltmore Ave, and woebetide any cars that were thinking of making a right-hand turn onto Hilliard.

I missed the first opener, but the second one, Kingdom of Sorrow were hysterical on many levels. They are apparently members of Hatebreed/Crowbar/Puddle of Mud who weren't feeling satisfied with the amount of posturing and sludge guitar playing they could get in their own bands. They were loud, and really did sound like three guys doing their own thing kind of with the drummer. The frontman, who I think had stolen Fred Durst's bandana and was wearing it like a talisman, was encouraging the crowd to circle dance and make fist signs. They weren't that bad, but I wouldn't want to see them as a headliner.

GWAR were pretty amazing. I wished I'd seen them while Slymenstra Hymen was still there, but the return of Sleazy P Martini is a good thing. How Flattus Maximus manages to stay upright for the whole show and climb up on stage is a mystery. They stuck largely to the grind/sludge stuff, and hardly did any of the more theatrical numbers, but the stage acts were awesome. Plenty of public figures got destroyed (the end of Hillary Clinton was my favorite), and blood of several colors gave the audience a good soaking. I took a turn in the mosh pit to get a good blood coating - moshing now is more a surge and swell deal - moshing went on during the theatrical bits, so it wasn't as much fun, I sneaked back to the bar (occasionally a few moshes broke out at the bar - not cool, bar for drinking, pit for moshing).

As to be expected, absolutlely nothing from "We Kill Everything" (am I the only one who likes that CD)? But all the classics - "We've got the Bomb", "War is all we Know", "Reaganator", "Gor Gor" and many more. The blood has a slightly sweet smell, and made my bath towel look pretty cool when I got home.

Are you ready for some Chihuahuas?

2008-10-06T10:29:00.002-04:00

The Hallolection Spectacular is coming to 35 Below on Thursday, October 30. We went through the scripts last night and there's going to be a lot of exciting new Halloween and Election material, a musical guest and some crazy moments.

Tickets will be on sale soon - we won't be selling through the ACT box office this time, so check back here (or look at the posters that will be dotting town soon) for ticket details.

There will be no George "the" Bastard in the show, but I've written some material for it - those of you who caught my "Zombie Stand Up" at LAAFF last year may recognize one of the themes.

I am planning on being at No Shame Theatre on Saturday with some material to work on - if your life's ambition is to play a part in a Bastard piece, show up at 10pm.

I'm also excited about GWAR tonight - if you're going, wear something disposable!

More Feral Fotos

2008-10-04T15:24:00.003-04:00

Another album of photos - this time from the sold-out season finale of the Feral Chihuahuas.

October 30 - the Feral Chihuahuas Halloween/Election special - one night only.

Relive the Feral Chihuahuas season in camera-captured moments

2008-10-01T21:21:00.002-04:00

Tommy has posted some awesome pictures from the 35 Below run this summer

Next Feral Chihuahuas show is going to be on October 30th - and for those of you who don't like me, I won't be performing in this one, but I'll be doing some writing for it.

What's funny in Asheville? Psycho Beach Party!

2008-09-29T14:32:00.002-04:00

Looking for a laugh this week - Theatre UNCA are presenting Psycho Beach Party featuring Sarah Erickson of the Feral Chihuahuas. Shows are from Wednesday until Sunday, and it's only $10.

Theatre UNCA Box office can be reached at 828-232-2291 and tickets can be bought online

Whattalottabloggathingathon

2008-09-29T13:53:00.002-04:00

I had a great time, but I think anyone who talked to me knew that.

Gordon asked me if I'd do a short set at the BlogAsheville party (and I said yes before I knew it was the same weekend as Charlotte Beerfest), so I thought I'd give the greater Asheville Blog community the full-on Bastard experience and suited up.

Although I've done shows in Asheville in the pink suit, this is the first time I've not had to haul other costumes around or travel as a part of the show, so I walked from Casa del Bastard downtown in the pink pimp suit. There's a feeling of empowerment you get from the crazy things people on the street say as you saunter by. I stopped by Bruisin' Ales to pick up Julie (my "date" for the night, and her husband will be pleased to know I left her alone with many men during the evening) and we negotiated Asheville's alleys and underbelly to get there. A very enthusiastic gentleman outside Mellow Mushroom wanted to change clothes with me, I think it was to escape the creepy-crawlies that had permeated his short trousers.

We were among the first there. The setup was excellent - three foamy kegs, hidden bathrooms, and a convenient secluded courtyard where fine dining was offered at a convenient height to fart down on. I lost track of the number of people I chatted with and the ones I met for the first time. Random flying observations...

Jennifer Saylor kept touching my arm. If she has good luck from this, I could be the next Blarney Stone
Xty called me attractive and charming, so she must have been completely wasted
Gordon at one point put a traffic cone on his head and wouldn't take it off - maybe there are auditions for "Pirates of Penzance" somewhere
Reverend Johnny had to leave to go play a show with his band, but he didn't know when or where. I hope they just set up somewhere random and played until they were thrown out
I bumped into a guy named Clay (who works at the recording studio where I took my "Davinci Teabag") photo at different parties on Friday and Saturday. Weird.
Sorry to everyone I drunk dialled... especially those I drunk-dialled more than once
Julie had to leave way too early, but had some great stories of how single girls react at the last stop of the Brews Cruise, which makes me want to go on one
I think I killed any possibility of original George "the" Bastard material ever being published by Mountain Xpress, though I did see Ashevegas in the flesh, really I did
In my next life I will be Short Street Cakes fork-boy
If I do a double act, it will be George "the" Bastard and Carlos "the" Mexican
Matt Howard goes into a robotic trance if you ask him when his show is on and reels off a promo. He will then go straight back into interviewer mode
I don't know if Edgy Mama was trying to get in to or out of that t-shirt, but she succeeded

The time I was going to perform changed a bunch of times, and I was completely taken by surprise when I heard my name announced - I was filling a beer at the time! I was pleased with the set, got some really good laughs from those close in - I was told afterwards that if you were at the back you couldn't hear me clearly at all - you are the lucky ones.

This is no longer an award-winning blog. I donated a prize since I won an award last year, and I'm happy it went to someone who is going to like it (and who I had a wonderful drunk conversation with).

Good work on putting things together, BlogAsheville crew and other volunteers and sponsors.

Just in time for floozapalogathon

2008-09-26T14:17:00.002-04:00

The first three video pieces from this year's Feral Chihuahuas comedy season are up...

"Super Sweeper" - featuring more of Tommy's hair-metal goodness

"The Interrodation" - Monsieur Shinyhead's finest performance

"The Perfect Chair" - the first Feral Chihuahuas video to feature George "the" Bastard.

The Bastardmobile vs the Great Asheville Gas Crisis

2008-09-24T21:43:00.002-04:00

The Bastardmobile (a 2002 Honda) has done it again - I last filled up with gas on September 5. When the Great Asheville Gas Crisis hit, and I heard of not avoiding panic buying, I was a notch under half full and thinking "I'll be fine, let these idiots do their thing and I'll be fine". During week one I wasn't too fussed - I did have to go to Hendersonville twice, but I don't have to drive to work every day, so I'll just nudge along bit by bit.

By the weekend I was looking OK - had to do some running around on Sunday, around 1/8 of a tank left, no cause for alarm.

I had to drive on Tuesday, we're nearing empty, but not quite crisis mode yet. I saw massive lines and angry mobs waiting for gas. I didn't want to join them.

I had to drive today, I passed many closed gas stations, but I read a few heartening things in the paper. Maybe these line people only come out during the day, maybe I'll be safe at night. I need a new printer cartridge, it's 9:30 pm. It can't be that bad, can it?

Enmark on Merrimon avenue. Gas is $3.75. There is a short line of cars, but not too bad, not quite to where Gourmet Perks used to be. There are people funnelling the cars in to orderly lines at the gas station. People are keeping their cool - 11 minutes later I have a tank of gas, and I am out of there.

Thank you bastardmobile! Your reliability and stingy gas consumption make a Bastard happy.

Bastard weekend in reverse, part 1: Brewgrass

2008-09-24T14:38:00.002-04:00

The 12th annual Brewgrass Festival and the 9th Annual Brewgrass festival of the Bastard took place on Saturday. Of all the venues for Brewgrass that I've been to (City County Plaza, Pack Place, McCormick Field, The Block, MLK Field), MLK field is by far my favorite. It's a great size, lots of room to put chairs and blankets (which Dick and I remembered to bring this time), and it is only a few minutes walk from Casa Del Bastard.

Dicky Ricardo Davis (the official Light and Sound guy of the Feral Chihuahuas) and I went for breakfast at Moose Cafe, figuring that ballast would be a good thing. You've got to admire a restaurant that charges less for their "all you can eat" breakfast than it costs to order from the menu. The stagger back from Casa Del Bastard to the park made sure there was just enough stomach room left for many many pints of beer.

Got to MLK park at about 12:15, and there was a long, snaking line that went from the entrance, up to the corner and back. The line ride! At least there weren't two lines fighting to get in like last year, and it was less than 30 minutes in the line until we were inside, chairs staked out, and ready to go. I did end up missing the Biscuit Burners who were the band I most wanted to hear, but that's OK, there's beer drinking to be had.

The rest of the afternoon was a predictable alternation of drinking, lazing in the chair with a beer, and lining up for a porta-potty. Random observations...

My favorite "new" brewery was Big Boss Brewing. I had tried Helles Belle before at a Bruisin' Ales tasting night and loved it. The rest of their beers were similarly excellent.
It's always a good day when you run into Julie and Jason!
I lost my sheet early on - one of the breweries close to the stage had a really terrific altbier. Anyone remember who it was?
I missed Highland Clawhammer. I was hoping they'd have Schenk's cream Ale there. I did try the Imperial Mocha Stout, which was good, but I think the high point of their imperials was Imperial Kashmir from last year.
This was the first year I remember that I didn't have the same beer twice. There must have been more brewers or more variety. I did manage at least one from each brewer.
If you need to change your bra, inviting your boyfriend (I presume) into a scalding hot porta-potty to assist leads to amusing noises that can be heard through the walls of the next porta-potty.

See you there next year!

Bastard Weekend in reverse, part 2: No Shame Theatre

2008-09-23T18:21:00.002-04:00

In a state where I probably shouldn't have even been vertical, I worked on a script that had been rejected by the Feral Chihuhuas but I desperately wanted to see make light of day. It was about the rise and fall of the Alliteranation, there were three people plotting a secret society, and every line of it consisted of only words that started with a certain letter of the alphabet. The first line was only words starting with "A", the second only words starting with "B" and so on...

The idea tickled my fancy, but I think I used a lot of really obscure words so it didn't read well when we did it at Feral Chihuahuas. I took out the really out there words, added a few to lines so that there was really a plot to the thing, printed out four copies and staggered towards NC Stage Company.

I don't know if it was the weekend, that there's no gas, or that this was the first one of the season, but there weren't that many people there. I put my piece in, asked for three actors and was thrilled to get Karen Stobbe as one of the cast members, I liked her improv show over summer, and I thought she'd deliver this script the way it was meant to be. Since they were short on scripts, I was going to try out a bit of my proposed piece for Fringe, but I didn't have the backing tape (and there was already an act that was really similar, so I'll hold back on that one).

Our piece ended up being the closer of the show, I think it might have worked better earlier on, but it got a few laughs and some people liked the cleverness of it. That could be the first and only performance of "The Rise and Fall of the Alliternation". The rest of the night was odd... Asheville was there with a funny rap that could have done with either another verse or shortening. There were some excerpts from NC Stage shows. I may have passed out in my chair once, I was still pretty obliterated. A few people I usually like did stuff I didn't like. An Oxymoron did a sketch (I've seen that before, but it was an interesting surprise, and I laughed a few times at it).

It was a hungry, drunk, desperate stagger home, but I was glad I went. Next No Shame comes up pretty quickly (Oct 11, I think). See you there!

Bastard weekend in reverse, part 3: David Byrne at Thomas Wolfe

2008-09-22T11:10:00.002-04:00

Still tired, still hung-over, my weekend ended with staggering back into town to see the David Byrne show. I had been looking forward to this forever, I liked a lot of both David Byrne's solo stuff and of course, Talking Heads. Having seen Tom Tom Club in Asheville and now David Byrne's show, can I say that I've seen Talking Heads in Asheville?

Anyone concerned that there would be no Talking Heads in the show breathed a sigh of relief when the gang on stage launched into a brilliant version of "I Zimbra", and the show alternated through recent David Byrne tracks, a smattering of tracks from his solo albums and Talking Heads classics. There were six dancers/singers/musicians who choreographed each song and all the David Byrne trademarks were there: crazy suit, goofy dancing, turning around on stage.

Highlights: "Heaven"!!!! (still happy that they played my favorite song, if only once), "Life During Wartime", "The Gates of Paradise" (flirting with country, sounding a bit like Cracker).

Lowlights: Lack of material from "David Byrne" or "Rei Momo" - maybe because the concert was to highlight the Byrne/Eno collaboration? Long shots, but I would have loved to have heard "Independence Day" or "Drugs" live.

In any case, this was 90 minutes of an art-rock legend blazing his way through the Thomas Wolfe auditorium - the first ovation was deafening. Thanks for stopping by, Mr. Byrne!

Busy Bastard weekend

2008-09-18T09:21:00.004-04:00

Asheville is the place to be this weekend, and I'm having a big bastard weekend!

On Friday the Feral Chihuahuas are getting together to plot our next big shows and hopefully shiny purchaseable objects. We're sorting through the footage from this summer season and planning a few more pieces of film to put together for upcoming projects.

If I can make it in time, I'm going to check out some Australians who were inexplicably let in to the country - The Land of the Lightning Brothers. You can lead a Bastard to culture but you can't make him drink...

Until Saturday that is, when it's Brewgrass and a chance to add another tasting glass to the trophy shelf. The first few Brewgrasses, with the plastic sampling cups, they are long gone...

After 7 hours of solid drinking, No Shame sounds appropriate. I'll either sing, submit one of my scripts in progress ("Canada, Utterly No Talent", "How To Choose a Vice President", or "The Adventures of Abstinence and Sobriety") or come up with something dire on the day.

Sunday is the David Byrne show at Thomas Wolfe. Dickie 'Ricardo' Davis thinks that Brian Eno is going to be on stage as well, I'm not sure if that's happening, but if it does, it'll be awesome.

Vote for this blog at the blogasheville unpronounceable awards, I'll be there, pink suited.

Are you smarter than a bastard?

2008-09-15T21:13:00.002-04:00

Nina Pell, pictured above with the two-tone head, just won the London Times sudoku championship. She finished four difficult sudoku puzzles in 18 minutes.

I thought I'd have a bash at them, my times were 8 minutes for the first, 5 minutes for the second, 7 minutes for the third, and then I made a mess of the last one and took 16 minutes for a grand total of 36 minutes. My head was swimming near the end.

Try them if you dare - let me know how you fared.

Upcoming bastardry

2008-09-15T18:43:00.002-04:00

No Shame Theatre is this Saturday at 10. I should probably be sleeping off Brewgrass at that point and making sure I'm in some condition to watch David Byrne the next day, but it's very tempting to either write something truly drunk-inspired and turn it in for other people to act out, or sing a song from my one-man Fringe show in the making, or just do some barely conscious stand-up. The piece I'd really like to do from the Fringe show would take longer than five minutes.

YouTubey goodness soon...

The upside of gas gouging

2008-09-14T19:50:00.002-04:00

I took the bastard bike out for a spin yesterday, I don't think I've seen so little traffic around downtown Asheville on a Saturday afternoon. Nice day for cycling, I don't think I was the only one out there rehabbing the old non-fossil-fuel burning modes of transport.

Listened to local radio lately? You may recognize the dulcet tones of a Feral Chihuahua breaking into the world of advertising jingles - thankfully for your ears it's not me!

Feral Chihuauas meeting today, and things are on the roll for our next big all-new show - it's going to be two nights of Hallowlection - combining the creepiness of an election with the politics of trick-or-treating. Stay tuned for many more details coming soon.

We also decided on what is going to be the next set of videos to go up on the Feral Chihuahaus YouTube channel. I'll go for whatever pisses off Monsieur Shinyshirt the most.

While I'm on the topic of old chemistry...

2008-09-14T18:00:00.004-04:00

OK, so I've been asked to give a light-hearted talk on history of Science. In browsing through some old science textbooks, I came across this gem, from "A System of Theoretical and Practical Chemistry" by Friedrich Accum, published in 1803

A System of Theoretical and Practical Chemistry By Friedrich Christian Accum

Take the advice of the Bastard

2008-09-12T14:01:00.002-04:00

My friend Matt was concerned that he didn't have anything to sell at his parents yard sale. I suggested he wear the following sign...

Anyone else need a personalized sign? Ask the Bastard!

Au Revoir, friend of the Bastard

2008-09-08T15:17:00.002-04:00

Just read an obituary for Neil Bartlett. I didn't know Neil that well, but I knew a lot of his close friends, and went to a few of his lectures. Amazing guy, even though he lived in Canada and the US for 50-odd years he maintained this very crisp British accent. I distinctly remember him giving a lecture in Honolulu on gold fluorides on a very nice summers day and there was nobody there - it was well into the beach/drinking/sightseeing time of the afternoon. Still, there he was racing through a talk on complex chemistry for a room that had about five people in it (one was a fellow noble-gas chemist who was completely asleep).

Neil Bartlett, taking the noble out of noble gases by making Xe[PtF₆], XeF₂, XeF₄ and XeF₆ - 1932-2008

Bastard movie review: Hamlet II

2008-09-03T13:48:00.002-04:00

Mountain X had Justin Souther go see this one, pity, because I'd be intrigued to see what Ken Hanke thinks of it.

I've been a big fan of Steve Coogan since being introduced to him by a friend's husband - his Alan Partridge character is the stuff of genius. Also helps that he can get away with saying "shit" on TV over in England. He's not playing Alan Partridge in this film, but all the elements are there - self-absorbed, given to flashy phrases, completely convinced that he is right. And that "Hamlet" would be a better play if everyone lived happily ever after, and Jesus gave Hamlet the opportunity to reconcile with his uncle. By playing this totally deadpan, the film is a magnificent bit of anti-comedy. It's the feelgood story of misfits overcoming the odds to stage a completely stupid play.

George "the" Bastard rates this one buy at least two airplane bottles on your way to the theatre and enjoy the ride.

Since no categories really define this blog, nominate me for anything you feel like at the BlogAsheville Awards. Last year I won "Least likely to make money by blogging". I don't see "Worst Blog", "Best Reason to revert to the stone age", or "Most likely to go to the Republican National Convention wearing a t-shirt that says "Bristol Palin's Baby Daddy"", so nominate me for anything.

Wear old clothes...

2008-08-28T09:43:00.001-04:00

GWAR is coming to the Orange Peel on October 6!!!!!!!!!

Enjoying the rain? Thank the Bastard!

2008-08-26T10:01:00.002-04:00

I brought the rain yesterday (and today, by association). Since I've had Feral Chihuahuas rehearsal almost every night over the last three months, I haven't been using the bastard bike to get around town.

So on Sunday evening I inflated the tires, checked out the chain, worked on the gears and got everything ready to be back on the bastard bike come Monday morning.

I made it half a block from Casa Del Bastard before it started raining.

You're welcome.

The Summer Season is Over!

2008-08-24T14:14:00.002-04:00

With last night's two mega-shows, the Feral Chihuahuas are taking a little break now - next on the Chihuahua horizon is to edit the shows together for a package for URTV and to try to get into a few more festivals. Next on the Bastard front is to put together some home-grown stand-up shows - watch this space for more details soon.

I was really happy with both shows - stand-up went over well before the start of each show, though those were jokes I hadn't really tried on anyone and wasn't sure if they would get laughs.

It was an odd show for me personally, since I was out of town for most of the week I had limited appearances in sketches (if you were keeping count, I played cops in three sketches and waiters in two sketches), and didn't do much interacting with the other characters. Took me back to when I first started with Feral Chihuahuas where I was mostly a writer and did very little acting.

Thanks to the audiences who got plenty of action for their ten bucks and were loud and into the action for both shows. Thanks also to the staff at ACT who let us go a little long (oops).

Before the show, Tommy made up some pretty nice cards for us all with a color version of the graphic from the playbill last night (the picture of me from the barbershop quartet is particularly disturbing). I'll get the graphic up on here soon.

Back in Asheville

2008-08-22T12:18:00.005-04:00

I love that sign - it's in Terminal E at the Atlanta airport. I'm back in town and went straight to rehearsal for the show-ending extravaganza coming up on Saturday. New stand-up, selections of our greatest sketches and film pieces from the season, and to end, the debut of the first ever Feral Chihuahuas Broadway Musical - "Past Present Time Cop from the Future". It's an action-packed show - relive two of the Calloway/Bastard productions "Cougar" and "Infectious Larry" that brought the house down the first time.

Get your tickets online from Asheville Community Theatre

Flight the fighty skies

2008-08-18T15:17:00.002-04:00

I'm out of town this week, so probably won't be updating (see the last and greatest Feral Chihuahuas show this Saturday). But I had to mention that on my 6:30am flight out of Charlotte on Saturday, we were delayed for an hour because two flight attendants got in a catfight. I was waiting to board when the flight crew dragged them back from the aircraft and through the gate area. All the passengers who had already checked in had to go back to the gate area and wait until volunteer flight attendants could be found.

No time to procrastinate

2008-08-13T10:54:00.002-04:00

But don't let that stop me...

We started rehearsing show #8 yesterday, an odd (but not new) experience of being there working on a show that I'm not going to be in. I was dumped from the cast of a revue that I co-wrote while I was in college because I couldn't sing and couldn't act (a peek at the Old Nick website points out that the Uni Revue is turning 60 this year - way to go guys!).

The Bastard presence will still be felt in a few sketches and film pieces, so make sure you check it out.

Two more sell-out shows!

2008-08-10T12:00:00.002-04:00

Last night was a hell of a night.

I was starting to get worried, yet more technical problems stalled the beginning of the first show, but once we got started, it was a great crowd. We had more long sketches than we usually have (and one pretty long film piece), so it was a long show, but the audience stayed with it and there were some great laughs.

I was particularly pleased that my stand-up went over well (after last week working on jokes that I thought were funny that ended up bombing). There's not much of a shelf life for my favorite joke from last night, but I think it would be a great idea if people give Senator John Edwards a copy of this book for Christmas.

Sketches went well, the reaction was great to the Cherdonna song. I hope everyone who was there had a good time, and if you weren't there, you've got two more chances!

I'm not going to be in this upcoming weekend's show, but there'll be some film pieces I was involved in and I've written a few sketches for it, so get your tickets now for Show #8, and stay tuned for the Show Endingest Show ever. Show #9stravaganzaza.

See the Feral Chihuahuas tonight or face eternal damnation!

2008-08-09T11:32:00.002-04:00

It's on tonight at 35 Below - first show at 8:00pm, second show at 9:30pm. Come find out what surprises await the Reverend Cyrus Bullfinch.