Monday, December 29, 2008

Bastard child-care

Given a bit of time to look after a young child with a play kitchen, there seemed no better game to play than "Sylvia Plath"!


Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Bastard vs the Tom Tom

I'm in a large unfamiliar city, but I should be fine because I have the greatest GPS/mapping device known to man, the Tom Tom. It has a friendly soothing voice, kind of like a chain-smoking call center operator on her third shift in a row.

I wanted to go to NASA because I like hearing heroic music. So Tom Tom will take me there because it's got all sorts of interesting destinations pre-programmed.

But not NASA

Enter in the address - OK, it knows the street. Should be able to get there... I check a map and we do seem to agree as to the location of NASA. Get on an interstate, go along the interstate, turn off on a helpfully-named street called NASA road.

First thing Tom-Tom does is tell me to turn the wrong way, away from the interstate. I ignore it and head the way I know towards the interstate, while Tom Tom screams even more urgently that I need to turn right. Its authority cannot be denied! Until I can see the on-ramp dead ahead and Tom Tom decide that it knew that all along and suddenly there's a new route in front of me.

On the interstate, Tom Tom tells me to keep in the left lane or keep in the right lane. Not sure if this is linked to how slow I'm driving (you're doing 15 miles under the speed limit, get in the left lane immediately). I have some even more helpful back-seat drivers informing me how long it is going to take to get there.

Nearing the exit, there's big signs to get off at an earlier exit for NASA. Tom Tom is insistent that there's still two miles to go before exitville, as are the back seat drivers who are siding with Tom Tom. Fine... we get there to find the exit is closed. At the next exit, we get off and I rebel against Tom Tom turning back around to get on to the interstate and head back the way I was coming.

I believe that Tom Tom is biased against left hand turns, preferring drivers to make a series of 34 right hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn at a set of traffic lights where there is a left turn arrow.

Now (no thanks to Tom Tom), I'm on NASA road, and it's next turn NASA. Tom Tom is screaming at me to make a right hand turn. I' on NASA road (Tom Tom is showing the route going off to the right). So I turn, and Tom Tom next tells me to turn into what turns out to be a church parking lot.

Tom Tom wants me to find religion because I have problems following directions?

I find an actual road again, and Tom Tom tells me to make a left turn. This is the first left turn it's permitted me to make, so what the hell - let's do it. This takes me to an intersection with... mircale of miracles, NASA Road! I think straight across the road is NASA, but Tom Tom wants me to turn left. I am overruled by the Tom Tom worshippers and make the left, sailing right past the entrance to NASA. There's nowhere to turn back around! I go back along the road (at this point Tom Tom has, in a satisfied smug tone, told me that I've reached my destination and now isn't even showing that I'm on a road at all.

A probably illegal U-turn later and I'm back on NASA road, and at my destination.

Tom Tom is unplugged. I like maps.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

No Shame last night

Had a great time at No Shame, it was the last one of the year and there was a lot of holiday-themed stuff, and some really interesting pieces.

I'd wanted to write a "found art" piece for a long time, and finally got to do it for this. Most likely it will never be performed again - I copied every headline from Asheville Craigslist over the last 48 hours to a file (it was about 61 pages double-spaced), and selected only lines from it to make a script - including the title. This is what I came up with (I've linked a few of the odder lines)

Helping Out Those that Help Others

By George (“the” Bastard) Heard

A scene comprising entirely lines from Asheville Craigslist postings from the last 48 hours up until 3pm December 21, 2008

Maria and Chris are sitting talking to themselves, their frustrated boss Gerald is pacing up and down


OK, this is the deal (Maria and Chris ignore him, he continues with his speech)

Over the mountains day after Christmas

Wonderful cats need new loving home (he notices that Maria and Chris are ignoring him and taps Maria on the shoulder)

Female bunny, Free



Gerald (disgusted)

Play time!!!!

Local ghost hunting group needs help


420 n head?


Do u need a third?


Come on

Think about how great it would be to earn your paycheck from your home


Don’t bitch no more


Just looking for some fun


420 then hot and naughty


Help please

Ladies and Gentlemen

Maria (taunting)

Whip it out

Chris (cupping his eyes and staring at Gerald)

Looking for bones


Where have all the good girls gone?

I will never be able to go through the carwash again

I have three things to offer you

Beta fish w/complete habitat

KID-FIT classes

Access to world satellite TV for small one-time fee


I want to buy your DVDs


I am in love with a girl from Candler



(pointing at Chris)

Take the psychic training course FREE

(pointing at Maria)

Load of logs

Mental health counselor available

Later tonight

The best pillow you can buy


If Justin Timberlake was gay you would fuck me… right?


White men can’t make me cum


Free love seat


Take me in my nasty ass, please

Gerald (who has had enough)


Tools (he storms away from them to make a phone call)



Project manager

Independent coordinator

Full time with benefits

(we return to Maria and Chris)


Where are you?


Need to get over him


I MISS YOU! And it is not going away


Rent a hubby


We suck

(Back to Gerald… Alan has entered and is talking to him)


I am affordable


You want lower energy bills, don’t you


Please help a young soldier

Trying something for the first time


I will book your shows and handle your promotions

Make unlimited income

(they shake hands… Gerald leaves, Alan approaches Maria and Chris)


Hay ladies. Holler at me


I don’t want any games or nonsense, just lay me already


Where are all the real ladies at?

Maria (showing him a handful of pictures)

Check out my artwork, Angels and more! Fun and funky too

I am the brunette in the pictures

Alan (looking at the pictures)

Wedding gown – very classy


Plz help me find my friend


New to Asheville and need a tourguide


Wanna play a little?


Hunting for cougars


Just relax let me do all the work you just enjoy

Alan (feeling pretty smug)

Will supply what you want


Looking for some




Come get some

Maria (returning to psycho status)

Like new lawn tractor tires


Goat & sheep maintenance


Free coal!


Looking for bunk beds for two little boys

Alan (panicking and fleeing)

Best moves

Looking for urban land to farm next year (he runs off)

Chris (looking glum)

Cancelled garage sale


Interested in forming group for piano students? (they nod enthusiastically and leave)

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Bernstein Brothers at NC Stage

Another absence from blogging, things will be more active after the new year. I'm doing a few trips and working in a performance here and there, but at the moment most Bastard activities are on ice until mid-January.

However, I made it to the NC Stage production of The Bernstein Brothers Christmas Spectacular, and it was an evening well spent. There's some good laughs in this show, the long sketch that makes up most of the second half is particularly strong. There's still tickets left for the last few performances, so if you're looking for a good laugh to finish out your week, check this show out. John Crutchfield is hilarious and I hope to see him in many more shows.

An added bonus is that I think I picked the night that most people associated with theatre in Asheville decided to go. It was good to see Graham Livengood, Jenny Bunn and Julian Vorus there, and also Chall standing at the entrance like a carnival barker ringing people in.

I'm putting the finishing touches on a piece for the last No Shame of the year which is going to be this Saturday, and then I'm going to be gone for most of the next three weeks (there may be some blog updates if I find a connection or anything to write about).