Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Bastard tradition

One of my most pleasant Halloween traditions.

Go to Walmart late at night, unshaven and unwashed, in dirty jeans.

Get a packet of razor blades, some apples and some candy

Choose the oldest, crustiest checkout chick

Smile evilly.

Monday, October 29, 2007

This Friday - new Feral Chihuahuas show

If any of the approved posters at blogasheville don't mind, a cross-post would be cool.

Hot off the heels of a successful two-night run with the Rebelles, the Feral Chihuahuas are back at it with a better late than never Halloween extravaganza at 35 Below.

Stand-up with George the Bastard opens.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Smart bastard!

Great to see a full crowd at the Friday show. Great show, awesome fight, lots of beer, Friday well spent.

The London Times put up the sudoku puzzles used at the World Sudoku championships. You can download them here (warning, it's a broadsheet PDF prepared for A4 and it's huge, email me if you want jpegs of the puzzle pages). Over lunch today I had a stab at the championship puzzle. Winner's time, 12 minutes, 45 seconds. George the Bastard time, 14 minutes 30 seconds.

First rehearsal tonight for the upcoming 35 Below show. Get your $10 tickets at Eaties, Wink or at the door (or email - georgethebastard at and I'll save some for you). It's going to be good to be back in the chihuahuas saddle again.

Friday, October 26, 2007

And sold out!

Both Rebelles shows are now sold out. Asheville is going to be funny and naughty tonight and tomorrow night - ooh la la.

See you there tonight, lucky ticketholders!

More onslaught - Rebelles show tonight

Nice little write-up in the Asheville Citizen-Times Take 5.

Hurry, hurry - there are still a few tickets left!!! Order online from the Grey Eagle.

Hope to see lots of you there tonight.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Feral Chihuahuas Media Onslaught!

I'm pleased to see the upcoming shows getting a bit of press (admittedly, we're piggybacking on the notoriety of the last show of the Rebelles).

Mountain X has a story on the show and the Rebelles (and a picture where if you look very carefully you can see George the Bastard near the middle back)

Out In Asheville mentions the show as well and has some nice things to say about the Chihuahuas

I was told last night there was an article in the Laurel of Asheville, but I can't find it, not sure if the November issue is out yet.

But I'm most pleased when we pop up on the strangest sites.

Thank you!

But my favorite is definitely the mention at VampireFreaks!

Hope to see some of you at the show on Friday.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Bastard Movie review: "Across the Universe"

"Cranky" Ken Hanke rated this movie 5 stars

George "The" Bastard rates this movie "get a guarantee of sex before going in"

Somewhere, sometime, a filmmaker watched "Hair" and thought "This film would be so much better if it had a happy ending and was all told in Beatles songs with contrived characters". It's a glorious train wreck, two hours of disaster upon disaster. It would have made a rather tight five minute play without the songs, basically if there was a line that could have been a line from a Beatles song, rather than just doing the line, let's do the whole song!

Evan Rachel Wood is funny trying to look like Bridget Fonda. T. V. Carpio has the misfortune of wandering through the movie without any point to her character, and the camera focusing squarely on a mole on her lip.

The only redeeming few minutes is Eddie Izzard, named Mr Kite for obvious reasons, who has a fixed expression of "Get me through this scene and out of this silly movie" through his one scene. Finally something has been found that Eddie Izzard is embarrassed to do.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Bye bye Joey

Haven't had much to update on, but just heard about the death of the last of the Rat Pack, Joey Bishop, at 89. And end of an era and an excust for a bourbon-based lunch.

Working on sketches for the upcoming Feral Chihuahuas show, November 2nd, which is going to be great. We're premiering the new version of the Halloweenmas Carol (looks like I'm still playing the Bruce of Halloween Past), but I'm excited about my first poetic masterpiece (unless you count the Zombie Slam poem) in years - Cyrano de Bastard.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Next Feral Chihuahuas show

Busy Feral Chihuahuas have four shows in eight days coming up soon.

October 26-27 at the Grey Eagle with the Rebelles. George the Bastard free shows - there will be no George the Bastard onstage guaranteed (I'll be in the audience on the 26th).

November 2 at 35 Below. $10. Shows at 9pm and 10:30(ish) pm. George the Bastard stands up to open. Looks like there'll be three brand-new George the Bastard sketches at this show.

November 3 at Revoluticon. $15 for a day pass to the con gets you a day of festivities followed by a special sci-fi themed Feral Chihuahuas performance.

If anyone reading feels like cross-posting to BlogAsheville, I'll be in danger of losing my trophy.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Fire Truck!

Seen on I-240 yesterday. Sorry to anyone who was stuck behind it.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Just Announced

It's bigger, badder, and more chronologcally irrelevant than ever before.

The Feral Chihuahuas Present: "The Halloweenmas Carol 2007".

35 Below (under Asheville Community Theatre), Friday November 2nd.

First show 9pm, second show 10:15pm (ish).

  • Stand-up comedy to open with George "The" Bastard
  • New sketches featuring the Feral Chihuahuas
  • Grand finale of the all new "Halloweenmas Carol 2007"
Watch this space for ticket details.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Upcoming bastardry

I've taken a bit of a break from the funny for a the last two weeks. I thought I had a stand-up spot lined up in Atlanta for this weekend, but it fell through, which is probably for the best, I can work on things in Asheville.

The Feral Chihuahuas and the Rebelles are presenting a Halloween Extravaganza! This is a full collaboration between the two groups, with a complete script featuring comedy and burlesque at its finest. Tickets are $20, and they will go fast. October 26 and 27 are the dates. I am not performing at this show (I'll be in the audience on the 26th) which is an added bonus.

I'm writing new material for our next set of Feral Chihuahuas shows. Stay tuned for dates, times and venues.

The Feral Chihuahuas TV show and DVD are being worked on by the uber-tech wizard Wyman Tannehill. Most of this is coming from the shows at 35 Below, but there's some new stuff we're filming for the final product. The Ferals will be flatter than ever before!

I started writing something a little different for the bastard that I hope to premiere at No Shame Theatre on October 27. I really like the idea, and I'm going to give it another go - last time I was pissed off that they got my name wrong, and the lighting guy jumped the cue and cut the lights before the end of the sketch. If you've always wanted to be in a George "The" Bastard sketch, come along and act for me.

Watch this space for the next installment of R U Funny Asheville.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Breaking news - anti-abortion protesters behind bars

Just saw this update on the Citizen-Times website.

These guys are awesome! I can't believe they didn't have posters of their little abortions wrapped around quarters to sell. Last time I saw them set up, I got a little card table, a coathanger and a bicycle pump and a sign saying "Abortions While U Wait". Good times.

Touched by a van

My new most dangerous spot for cyclists in Asheville - the parking lot outside Caffiend. There's almost enough room to swing a small car in and out of those spots, heaven forbid an old van versus a fat bastard on a little silver bike.

Sorry to report that both I and the bastard bike are OK, but it's fun to push against a van while you're riding.

Welcome to the now AWARD WINNING!!! blog of the Bastard. I was quickly whisked off the stage by the "Get off the stage" music and didn't get to complete my speech that I had written in anticipation of being justly awarded "Least Likely to Make Money by Blogging", which I now reproduce in its entirety.

I would like to thank everyone who voted, but there really isn't any point. I thoroughly deserve this award. Actually, it's an embarrassment to be considered in the same lack of depth with the losers in this category, who clearly stand to make far more money than I from this blogging of which you speak. Take Brainshrub for example, nothing but banner ads and PayPal links. It is well known that Easy Bake Coven is just a front for identity theft, and over at Modern Peasant the first thing that hits you is an ad to buy a book. I must confess that Susan From the Right is my alter-ego, which should be obvious from our blogs having exactly the same layout, and So Much For Tact almost gave me a run for the money in this category, however made the vital mistake of being funny and readable.

So suffer in your underwear, losers. There can only be one truly pathetic, unable-to-cash-in blogger and it's me. All me. Don't bother hanging around for the rest of the awards, this is the climax. Thank me.

(if you would like to prove me wrong and book the bastard to bring down the mood of your next event - email georgethebastard at for details)

As for the rest of the evening, it was fun to meet people and put faces to names. Excellent venue, gracious hosts, and a rather nice sulfuric acid drink donated by Bruisin' Ales. For those detractors, there's something refreshing about vaguely peachy flatulence in the morning to go with your cinnamon buns.